Month: April 2020

Hello Ireland – scroll down for surprise news

We can see you downloading, sons of Cuchulainn and we can see you too Derby Coven.

Give us a smile!

Things could have gotten so much worse, you know?….

2020

Of course my dear brethern of the mistletoe, for old times’ sake, you have my personal blessing. You know, back in the days when…and anyway, you’ve nothing to worry about…

email

Oh yeah, the asteroid…you can read about it here on the Wall Street Journal if you have a subscription or on IBTimes (12th March 2020 issue) …when did your country lockdown again? So do bear in mind there could be another reason why a pandemic to clear the skies of air traffic and a stalling economy might have been the least of two evils. There’s a reason why decision makers sometimes need to mask the truth with little white lies. This is what happened under a ‘global pandemic’…now imagine what scenario you could be facing if you were told ahead of time that the planet faces a good possibility of extinction on April 29th.

Yes, you get the gist. So maybe, just maybe…

lokis aster

Now you see it…now you don’t.

 

The New York Times adds more enlightenment by giving a little history, reminding us humanity does inhabit a rock suspended into sweet nothingness surrounded by debris speeding chaotically all over the place. I mean… shit happened before and there’s no reason why it couldn’t happens to us in our comfy arses lifetime. You don’t have to take your mask off yet, if you’re still not feeling comforted.

Please spare me the Chicken Licken theories about Earth Mother Mrs.Howard-Day. What does your attitude says about you, given Earth Mother blessings to you? Let’s do the sums: 3 out 3. One incurable, one with a hip replacement before her 21st, one with suspected leukemia, all three with your blood disorder…yeah, DO YOU get the message?

Thanks to the real magicians of our times paid by the taxes you give to the illusionist of turn that you elect, instead of getting blasted by an asteroid this coming Beltane, you might be treated to a meteor shower instead. How’s that for a celebration?

Think about it, while the likes of Karagan and Sharon Day pissarse around useless notebooks and whose Alexandrian lineage matters the most, there are people (I like to call them 21st Century Adepts) at the Sentry System who last year worked their arses off at the Planetary Defense Conference Exercise 2019…ok, so the official report states it was a simulation scenario, and what do you call holding hands and bopping on the left foot in a circle dance while chanting “Eko eko Azarak”? Raising a cone of power and things just happen, yeah? Like all the mass hexing against Kavanaugh and Trump, right? For fuck’s sake, does it ever occur to you how ridiculously contrived is that to the external observer? But I bet you’d find something sceptical to say about a scientific simulation – with all the certified reading you guys do, you truly must be experts.

After all, topping the charts in Italy with Born to be King must have at least won you the Premio Strega. (Aptly named, innit?)

strong sales

D’ya know what I mean?

You already know what the Loki’s Gazette tribune thinks of the books you read.

Yes, I make satire out of your (Alexandrians that is) disproportionately over-inflated ego/room temperature IQ mismatch and the spurious junk you fill up your library shelves with. You are what you read and regrettably your spiritual leaders comes across anything but enlightened by the gods. They’re like little children showing off their new toys. Maybe, you might want to put down Dune and leave science-fiction be until you’re ready to become adults and chill the fuck out.

In the next video clip, you won’t be seeing men and women in robes clowning around an imaginary cone of power to save the earth but you will get a demonstration of the real Great Work people do behind the scenes to keep your arse safe. As you can see, there are no candles and fancy robes involved. As you watch this, think about the crap you read and put your faith in to.

No need repeat myself as to why humanity needs to be treated like children when something potentially disastrous is afoot …you can go back to that video as often as you need.

Decision makers need time and space to think straight, so they can avert the worst. The thing is, life is weirder than fiction and I don’t claim expertise in science or economics but I have dealt with group size evacuations in life-threatening situations twice, so based on that, I know that putting blinkers on horses prevents them from getting spooked and bolt, and tyranny in cases as such does save lives. Moreover, when the there’s high probability of being truly fucked and the weight of responsibility falls around your neck, I can reassure you, the last thing you have in mind is to parade as the hero in shining armour who’s come to save the day. You know it could end both ways but you surround yourself with your most trusted, put your heads together, form a plan quick and execute it…quiet as a mouse, fast as you can. Nobody, especially the children, needs to know how deep the shit really is. No time to explain and get into debates.

Chaos-management (call it magic and add a k to it if you will) is an art you learn by living through some interesting shit. Immerse yourself in it and if you re-emerge in one piece, you’ll know it’s patterns. Chaos leaves you no time to polish candlesticks and buy the wine for theatrics, I’m afraid. If you’re busy taking a shit when it hits, you’re in for some proper escathological fun.

18-2

…said the Englishman to the American newbie infatuated with stags.

Ok, this should make sense to some of our Irish readers at least. I shall whisper it one more time just in case they didn’t think they heard me right the first time. My apologies to those who won’t get the pun because they weren’t there. It’s a long story.

horse

Time for the surprise you came here for…talking of reading…

Now that Brighid’s Fire has gone out, our Irish friends and readership might want to check out our Beltane issue of Vogue, available in all newsagents across Britain and Ireland from April 29th.

That’s right.

Vogue is the only magazine on the esoteric market that keeps up with the changing face of witchcraft and caters for the fashion victim occulted in your inner self.

Make sure you check out our article Daddy Issues: You’re not a child anymore where you can find advice on how to deal with global pandemics, asteroids, comets and general stuff that Loki God of Mischief might throw at you on a regular basis. Also our exclusive interview with Loki Laufeyson Being Mum: Deal with your eight legged son full of practical tips directly channeled by the Greatest Mother the universe has ever seen. We could not leave out the growing community of BDSM enthusiasts of the Craft. For them we’ve put together the guide Slowly, intimately…Sexy Clues for your Inner Mewling Quim packed with tantalising tips to try out in the dungeon. Plus our Fashion Editor’s pick of more than 75 fabulous accessories that will instantly transform your tired Golden Dawn wardrobe into a sassy 21st century trickster and if getting dressed for yet another soiree’ spent filling Maxine’s glass with wine is failing to excite you right now, why not daydream about what you will be kitting yourself in once the old bag kicks the bucket and you’ll be finally CEO of Alexandrian Witchcraft UK PLC? Dress like you were invited to Eamonn Loughran 17th century country house and discover the witchy trends to look cute and stylish while destroying your internal universe .

vogue loki

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So don’t miss out and order your copy NOW and get your free sample of Loki’s hair gel!

              Magazine also available online to Loki’sGazette’s upon donation to Loki’s                                                                        Trolls Foundation Appeal.

Did you know?

It’s been estimated that as many as 8,400 trolls have already lost their homes to adventurers infiltrating Jotunheim. For as little as £1 a day you can make a difference. With your generous donations, we will be able to restore their habitat in time. You can also support our efforts by buying a sustainably-produced elf-shot tea.

f8169d0a9b58fc340362803df92d3726

With the money raised our international team will carry out work including:

Provinding emergency funds to care for homeless trolls.

Helping restore their trolling habitat in every way we can.

Support our response team in recovering the skins of adventurers.

Upcycle adventurers’ skins to make uniquely crafted drums and reboot Jotuheim’s economy. 

                                   DONATE TODAY!

The Parable of the Bushfire

Author’s Note: This is the second most sacrilegious thing I’ve ever written this week. But it’s a different take on an idea I used to believe in when I was growing up. I thought Yahweh was a minor despotic deity of some desert tribes of shepherds. I was wrong. I feel better that I can laugh a little about it now.

saviour

Loki and Thor were sitting in Asgard one day, looking down on Midgard, watching the people of the world go about their business. “Are you sure we should let these people worship us?” asked Loki, watching a man run while trying to keep his pants up. The man had no belt, but he was holding onto a long scrap of rope. “Just tie it around your waist,” said Loki. The trickster god sighed in disappointment.

“They’ve got too much free time,” said Thor. “Plus the Grandmaster wants us to get a hobby. It’s either this or cosmic basketweaving, and you know how I feel about arts and crafts that don’t involve a good hammering.”

“This is so stupid,” said Loki. He rolled his eyes, then looked around to make sure his eccentric boss wasn’t lurking about. “Between you and me, these people aren’t smart enough to worship us. They’ll worship anything as long as it makes the right noises.”

“What about those people in Egypt? You have to admit, those pyramids are pretty impressive,” said Thor. “Smart people make those.”

“Please,” said Loki. “These people lack imagination. They worship the first glowing thing they see in the sky. That, and they let these things called ‘cats’ boss them around all day. Now, it would be impressive if we could get those cats to …”

“Nope. Grandmaster said humans, so we’re going to get them to worship us.”

Loki narrowed his eyes and tapped his chin in thought. After a moment’s pause he said, “How about a wager? If I get a group of people of your choosing to worship something silly, you buy me my weight in mead. If I fail, I’ll buy you your weight in mead. Sound like a deal?”

“Hel yeah,” said Thor. “I’m thirsty.” Thor looked down on Midgard to find a suitable people. He passed over the Egyptians, because he suspected Loki might be right about them. The Cretans weren’t okay, because they had a fetish for bulls. All Loki had to do is turn into one and they’d be making sacrifices in no time. To the east, the Hittites were out. They did whatever the Babylonians told them to do.

And then, he found a small group of different tribes sandwiched between the Hittites and the Egyptians. They didn’t let anyone push them around. If anyone could stand up to Loki, it’s these guys. Thor pointed at them and said, “Get to work, pal.”

So Loki descended from Asgard until he landed in a place called Canaan. He looked high and low over the first village he came to. “There’s our winner,” said Loki, when he saw a drowsy man tending a flock of sheep. Loki disguised himself as a nearby bush and then whispered to the man, “Psst. You. Yeah, you, shepherd. What’s your name?”

The man woke up with a start. “What? I’m Mo. Who are-wait, who’s there?”

“Hello there, Mo,” said Loki. “I’m your new god. Name’s Yahweh.”

“Yes, what?”

“No, Yahweh.”

“No way.”

“Yahweh,” Loki repeated. This one might be too stupid after all. But he wasn’t going to give up easily. “Look, my name isn’t important. What’s important is that you worship me. I can do some impressive stuff.”

“Yeah, like what? The Egyptians get told how to build those big pyra-thingies,” said Mo.

All of a sudden, the bush erupted into angry flames which turned shades of purple, green, and blue. “Enough of those Egyptians already! Can they make this bush burn and talk at the same time?”

Mo’s eyes went wide, and he fell to the ground. “Oh, I haven’t been drinking too much wine again, have I?”

“Yahweh! Say my name three times, then go grab a sheep and sacrifice it to me!” Loki upped the flames and heat a bit. This was really fun.

“Okay, okay, I’ll do it,” said Mo. “You gods really are a pain in the ass, you know that?”

The flames went out. “Yeah, we kind of are,” said Loki. “Tell you what, don’t sacrifice that sheep, and I’ll help you start a religion. First, we’ll have to change your name to something cool. From here on out, you’re called, ‘Moses.’ How you like that?”

Mo shrugged. “Sounds Egyptian, so I think it might be popular.”

“Good,” said Loki. “Now, get a pen and some paper, and write this down…”

After all was said and done, Loki went back to Asgard. Thor’s jaw had dropped to the ground in surprise. “I can’t believe it. And I owe you all that mead, too. You said that guy thought you were a talking bush?”

Loki winked. “Like I told you. Gullible. Don’t worry, what they’re doing won’t catch on. Pretty soon they’ll forget all about it and start worshiping something else.”

“I hope so,” frowned Thor. “Now let’s go get you your weight in mead. And no shape-shifting into a dinosaur, either!”

“Aww,” said Loki. “I was hoping for more mead that way.”

It’s that tide of the year again

 

15

Bringer of gifts

Spring

Season of the sacrificial lamb.

According to some occult theories the Vernal Equinox is the tide of death…and things seem to be speeding up quite a bit. Yeah, we went from the fires in Australia to a viral outbreak. Lovely jubbley.

never too small

People are dying!

Sweden, the exponents of all that’s Left Wing and Progressive were the only European country to have ignored the Covid-19 mass hysteria while the British and the Americans were waving their pitchforks demanding their share of forced imprisonment.

Loki are you at it again? 

illusions

This time last year witches were going hysterical over Notre Dame and Brexit. You’ll be sursprised how the more progressive and left wing people are, the more they love authoritarian technocrats and apocalyptic movements – whether it’s witchcraft or XR.

Throughout 2019, you had XR activists blocking traffick and causing drama on the tube, basically being a pain in the arse to ordinary day to day communters going on about their lives. Only to end up with Australia going up in flames as if the son of Muspell had just been unleashed.

We’re all going to die! – people screeched…and they still do, but…

Is it the Earth or is it what holds the balance, that Dread Steed, that is about to be set on fire?

When they lose at their game in spite of exerting social pressure, as with Brexit and in the UK at the latest general elections, they’re left foaming at the mouth.

Tricks get confused with illusion.

Do you get the gist?

To re-word a famous Churchill quote: Illusion is the ability to send someone to hell while getting them to look forward to the trip. In other words, illusion creates images that can be deceptive or misleading to the brain. The information gathered by the five senses is processed by the brain, creating a perception that in reality, does not match the true image.

Under the influence of illusion many individuals come to believe they are speaking for the majority of people. Their self-deception is fed by news they get from generators of mass illusion such as social media, interacting only on platforms that agree with their beliefs and where having a different perception of reality is heresy.

Then they are stunned when in the real world, reality takes a different form and Boris Johnson gets a people’s mandate to go ahead with Brexit.

It is said that when the gods hate you, they will drive you insane.

What if Brisingamen is a chain of majority consesus and it’s used to stir conflict?

Let’s watch this short videoclip and see how to scramble a perfect storm with coronavirus.

Ragnarok has never been so popular. People are getting a masochistic need for escathology. There’s even a Netflix series and witches buzz each other excitedly “have you watched it?”, “what did you think of it?”, as if to catch a glimpse of the future in popular culture.

If I ever wanted to drive people crazy and push them on the verge of social suicide, I would definitely choose mass hysteria as my execution weapon.

I can’t but there are forces out there that can.

tumblr_nbwk5dn5A81qhtpi8o4_500

I’m sure that news of Covid-19 accidentally leaving the lab was not meant to become public knowledge and amid cries that we must not be racist, the Chinese goverment took advantage of western naivety to shut a few mouths and prevent any more news from coming out. It went from being a Chinese pathogen to global pandemic with Europe and America at its centre. China is now ever so quiet while the West doth protests too much.

Social media addicts are surprisingly easy to manipulate and prone to accept deception as truth. Social media is the drug and Covid-19 its virus.

Yes, the virus exists but the pandemic is not caused by a pathogen but by social media’s virulent illusions. It attacks the rational side of the mind and destroys it.

A pandemic is also a time for opportunism. If you’ve a secure job, who would say no to an extra 6 weeks holiday on full pay?

Not I.

11

Time to retreat in peace and quiet is the witch’s most precious commodity, especially in a world of constant noise and social indoctrination such as the one we live in today.

Sometimes a witch just needs a break.

Witches need the silence that comes from social distance.

Sometimes a witch has enough of creating artificial silence with meditation and wants actual silence.

So just imagine grabbing those who make all the noise and locking them up in a virtual reality where they can be kept out of the way and busy on social media.

If these people stay in, cooped up in their virtual world, it means you won’t be seeing them in the real world. You can sneak out and find a temporary respite from the ordinary world. It is also an illusion…just a better one.

Now, you see, from my perspective, this is the second year in a row, my magical colleagues and I get this much time at exactly the same time of the year, to gather and work together.

What for most people presents limitation, for us means opportunity and expansion. You could say, we have the devil on our side and he has a wicked sense of humour.

9

While witches and occultists of all traditions follow their leaders guidance to STAY IN AND SAVE LIVES and end up spending days on end chained up to virtual meetings and rituals, we get in a car and go up to the mountains, spreading all that coronavirus to each other.

What a load of BOLLOX.

I thought all these adepts weren’t afraid of death and engage with death and the underworld as a normal spiritual practice. Now the underworld has come to them. Here is their chance to engage with death for real. Why so scared all of a sudden?

The most laughable of all are followers of the Left Hand Path, you know, the former goths turned black magicians and psychic vampires, or the cranky old bitch that goes dark after getting dumped by her New Age master for a young tottie…those types. For them lockdown means staying the fuck in shut indoors and getting New Age arseholes too afraid to get a cough and die to surveil and ‘educate’ people.

What the fuck is this? Do you call this someone one the way to magical adepthood?

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Seriously fuck off and carry on in your horror movie bubble.

These people live in their heads and experience reality through Zuckerberg’s autistic lenses.

Coronovirus brings the REAL SELF out.

SOLVE ET COAGULA

So if you’re smart, make the most of this interesting times to observe people’s reactions in times of  mass hysteria. Watching their self-preservation instincts will disclose an enormous amount of information people usually manage to hide well under normal condition: do they remain vague and aloof? Do they continually spread updates? Do they go in full panic mode and bellow at people what they should do?

It’s almost like Judgement Day, people separate in those who stay quiet and those who make lot of noise. If you’re someone with a good hand at magic, you know what that means.

The hardest challenge a young magical practitioner will ever face is to discern who in the occult/witchcraft is authentic and who is a manipulative con.

 

Beware of anyone who issues ultimatums and uses further isolation as a threat. Among occultists and witches this ‘do as I say or I’ll cancel you’ is becoming the norm. Take this pissy old wanker for example:

These coercive threats come from individuals who make a living from telling people their problems will be over by casting a spell with a candle. Who the fuck comes up with a Ritual to fight coronavirus? They are no more rational than flat-earthers and yet you’ll find that these individuals are often the louder to berate conspiracies. I carried out a small social experiment of my own and showed a few screenshots like this one below to ordinary (non-witchy) people, starting from the guys at the Syrian restaurant down the road and asked them to tell me what they thought of these ‘magical people’ statements.

Most reacted with “Whoa!” to begin with, adding that they wouldn’t be prepared to be talked down like that by ANYONE.

Younger people tended to believe that her claim to know people who had died of the virus was to attract sympathy and boost social media responses. IMG_E5974[1]

Three people you know/met died of Covid-19…oh my god, Janet you are SO full of shit!

The interesting part is that the inversion is now becoming increasingly obvious. People with no interest in occultism and witchcraft tend to be more assertive and be less prone to fall for manipulative tactics than so call magical practitioners, witches, etc. meanwhile the believers join them in condemning anyone who doesn’t believe their story as a subhuman underclass whilst believing to be the ‘chosen’ elite.

13

Anyone who writes “Don’t argue with us” deserves to have a photo of her holding a massive green cock published on Loki’s Gazette.

I say, “Suck on it old bag! That’s about the best use your mouth will ever have.”

The responses on Janet Farrar’s wall prove a point on the pathetic state of modern occultism and witchcraft that we have reiterated time and again.

Cornonavirus rules them all through mass hysteria and they willingly surrender their freedom.

Loki-the-avengers-29516000-500-238

Witches of the world…98% of you are not what you say you are.

You are glitter snorting, helpless, infantilised, lifestyle consumers.

neopagans

Rational people put you to shame.

But you…(and you know who you are)… don’t even have the guts to speak out your own truth to those who fall in the grip of mass hysteria.

glitter

 

You follow the trend,

You stay safe.

I thought there was no safety in witchcraft…aww…things have changed it seems.

stupid-people-to-this-side-of-the-internet

It’s safer to believe and stay in the herd.

So take care if you are new to this path. Nowadays when someone tells you they are a witch, you’ve got to take it with a generous pinch of salt. Most of the time, you’re dealing with infantilised consumers.