We can see you downloading, sons of Cuchulainn and we can see you too Derby Coven.
Give us a smile!
Things could have gotten so much worse, you know?….
Of course my dear brethern of the mistletoe, for old times’ sake, you have my personal blessing. You know, back in the days when…and anyway, you’ve nothing to worry about…
Oh yeah, the asteroid…you can read about it here on the Wall Street Journal if you have a subscription or on IBTimes (12th March 2020 issue) …when did your country lockdown again? So do bear in mind there could be another reason why a pandemic to clear the skies of air traffic and a stalling economy might have been the least of two evils. There’s a reason why decision makers sometimes need to mask the truth with little white lies. This is what happened under a ‘global pandemic’…now imagine what scenario you could be facing if you were told ahead of time that the planet faces a good possibility of extinction on April 29th.
Yes, you get the gist. So maybe, just maybe…
The New York Times adds more enlightenment by giving a little history, reminding us humanity does inhabit a rock suspended into sweet nothingness surrounded by debris speeding chaotically all over the place. I mean… shit happened before and there’s no reason why it couldn’t happens to us in our comfy arses lifetime. You don’t have to take your mask off yet, if you’re still not feeling comforted.
Please spare me the Chicken Licken theories about Earth Mother Mrs.Howard-Day. What does your attitude says about you, given Earth Mother blessings to you? Let’s do the sums: 3 out 3. One incurable, one with a hip replacement before her 21st, one with suspected leukemia, all three with your blood disorder…yeah, DO YOU get the message?
Thanks to the real magicians of our times paid by the taxes you give to the illusionist of turn that you elect, instead of getting blasted by an asteroid this coming Beltane, you might be treated to a meteor shower instead. How’s that for a celebration?
Think about it, while the likes of Karagan and Sharon Day pissarse around useless notebooks and whose Alexandrian lineage matters the most, there are people (I like to call them 21st Century Adepts) at the Sentry System who last year worked their arses off at the Planetary Defense Conference Exercise 2019…ok, so the official report states it was a simulation scenario, and what do you call holding hands and bopping on the left foot in a circle dance while chanting “Eko eko Azarak”? Raising a cone of power and things just happen, yeah? Like all the mass hexing against Kavanaugh and Trump, right? For fuck’s sake, does it ever occur to you how ridiculously contrived is that to the external observer? But I bet you’d find something sceptical to say about a scientific simulation – with all the certified reading you guys do, you truly must be experts.
After all, topping the charts in Italy with Born to be King must have at least won you the Premio Strega. (Aptly named, innit?)
You already know what the Loki’s Gazette tribune thinks of the books you read.
Yes, I make satire out of your (Alexandrians that is) disproportionately over-inflated ego/room temperature IQ mismatch and the spurious junk you fill up your library shelves with. You are what you read and regrettably your spiritual leaders comes across anything but enlightened by the gods. They’re like little children showing off their new toys. Maybe, you might want to put down Dune and leave science-fiction be until you’re ready to become adults and chill the fuck out.
In the next video clip, you won’t be seeing men and women in robes clowning around an imaginary cone of power to save the earth but you will get a demonstration of the real Great Work people do behind the scenes to keep your arse safe. As you can see, there are no candles and fancy robes involved. As you watch this, think about the crap you read and put your faith in to.
No need repeat myself as to why humanity needs to be treated like children when something potentially disastrous is afoot …you can go back to that video as often as you need.
Decision makers need time and space to think straight, so they can avert the worst. The thing is, life is weirder than fiction and I don’t claim expertise in science or economics but I have dealt with group size evacuations in life-threatening situations twice, so based on that, I know that putting blinkers on horses prevents them from getting spooked and bolt, and tyranny in cases as such does save lives. Moreover, when the there’s high probability of being truly fucked and the weight of responsibility falls around your neck, I can reassure you, the last thing you have in mind is to parade as the hero in shining armour who’s come to save the day. You know it could end both ways but you surround yourself with your most trusted, put your heads together, form a plan quick and execute it…quiet as a mouse, fast as you can. Nobody, especially the children, needs to know how deep the shit really is. No time to explain and get into debates.
Chaos-management (call it magic and add a k to it if you will) is an art you learn by living through some interesting shit. Immerse yourself in it and if you re-emerge in one piece, you’ll know it’s patterns. Chaos leaves you no time to polish candlesticks and buy the wine for theatrics, I’m afraid. If you’re busy taking a shit when it hits, you’re in for some proper escathological fun.
Ok, this should make sense to some of our Irish readers at least. I shall whisper it one more time just in case they didn’t think they heard me right the first time. My apologies to those who won’t get the pun because they weren’t there. It’s a long story.
Time for the surprise you came here for…talking of reading…
Now that Brighid’s Fire has gone out, our Irish friends and readership might want to check out our Beltane issue of Vogue, available in all newsagents across Britain and Ireland from April 29th.
Vogue is the only magazine on the esoteric market that keeps up with the changing face of witchcraft and caters for the fashion victim occulted in your inner self.
Make sure you check out our article Daddy Issues: You’re not a child anymore where you can find advice on how to deal with global pandemics, asteroids, comets and general stuff that Loki God of Mischief might throw at you on a regular basis. Also our exclusive interview with Loki Laufeyson Being Mum: Deal with your eight legged son full of practical tips directly channeled by the Greatest Mother the universe has ever seen. We could not leave out the growing community of BDSM enthusiasts of the Craft. For them we’ve put together the guide Slowly, intimately…Sexy Clues for your Inner Mewling Quim packed with tantalising tips to try out in the dungeon. Plus our Fashion Editor’s pick of more than 75 fabulous accessories that will instantly transform your tired Golden Dawn wardrobe into a sassy 21st century trickster and if getting dressed for yet another soiree’ spent filling Maxine’s glass with wine is failing to excite you right now, why not daydream about what you will be kitting yourself in once the old bag kicks the bucket and you’ll be finally CEO of Alexandrian Witchcraft UK PLC? Dress like you were invited to Eamonn Loughran 17th century country house and discover the witchy trends to look cute and stylish while destroying your internal universe .
So don’t miss out and order your copy NOW and get your free sample of Loki’s hair gel!
Magazine also available online to Loki’sGazette’s upon donation to Loki’s Trolls Foundation Appeal.
Did you know?
It’s been estimated that as many as 8,400 trolls have already lost their homes to adventurers infiltrating Jotunheim. For as little as £1 a day you can make a difference. With your generous donations, we will be able to restore their habitat in time. You can also support our efforts by buying a sustainably-produced elf-shot tea.
With the money raised our international team will carry out work including:
Provinding emergency funds to care for homeless trolls.
Helping restore their trolling habitat in every way we can.
Support our response team in recovering the skins of adventurers.
Upcycle adventurers’ skins to make uniquely crafted drums and reboot Jotuheim’s economy.